I'm going to sing the first few bars of Silent Night as a solo at Midnight Mass on Christmas eve. John(choir director) and I talked about it and hopefully things will work out for that to happen. I told him about it being my dream to sing it as a solo. He said he understands, but it's also a song everybody knows and will want to join in. I told him that was fine. If I could get the first few bars out alone, that's enough for me. He said we'll practice it that way and see how it works.
If things go my way, it'll be all over in five to ten seconds. Blink and you miss it. Still, for me, it's a HUGE deal.
John wants to encourage me to try things. He hinted that he can find music with solos or descants that work for a voice like mine. I told him I want to do solo and quartet stuff, but my head is so screwed up by what was done to me in high school that it'll take a lot of work to unscrew it. I told him if I'm allowed to learn my parts solidly and take small steps at a time, I'll be able to do it. He indicated he's willing to work with me. I'm willing to be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day, after all.
The audition where my high school choir teacher set me up to fail happened in a very, very, very hostile place full of people who wanted to see me crash and burn. They got what they wanted. I might have been trying out for a solo in a caldera full of volcanic fumes with the same results. The toxicity of my surroundings were the same.
But here, now, I'm surrounded by people who are supporting my desire to succeed. My choir knows what happened to me and I know they'll be silently cheering me on. It makes a huge difference!
A two bar solo is a baby step in the right direction for me. I won't be doing this just for myself. It's going to be for every bullied person out there who was frightened into hiding their talent.
On Christmas eve, I will stand up to the fear that's been my bully for almost two decades, look it in the eyes and let it know it won't win.
This fear is still a mountain to me. However, instead of walking away from it this time, I'm going to put my foot on the first craggy step at the bottom and start climbing. Courage is not an absence of fear. Courage is being afraid and doing something anyway.
I'm going to have my camera with me on Christmas eve. I'll be sure to record that first step and share the results here. ;)
I will rise above my pain.
I will charge through my own fear.
I will overcome this challenge.
I will succeed.