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My morning after Vlog, which only needs a link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBgU8uFIP1s
I am so proud of what I accomplished. I want this to be a message to every person who has been bullied into thinking they can't reach their dreams. YES, YOU CAN!
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And yes, I'm terrified. It's something so small and only those in the choir loft, the direct and my mom(who doesn't know this is going to happen) will know what a victory it will be for me.
I'm going to sing the first few bars of Silent Night as a solo at Midnight Mass on Christmas eve. John(choir director) and I talked about it and hopefully things will work out for that to happen. I told him about it being my dream to sing it as a solo. He said he understands, but it's also a song everybody knows and will want to join in. I told him that was fine. If I could get the first few bars out alone, that's enough for me. He said we'll practice it that way and see how it works. If things go my way, it'll be all over in five to ten seconds. Blink and you miss it. Still, for me, it's a HUGE deal. John wants to encourage me to try things. He hinted that he can find music with solos or descants that work for a voice like mine. I told him I want to do solo and quartet stuff, but my head is so screwed up by what was done to me in high school that it'll take a lot of work to unscrew it. I told him if I'm allowed to learn my parts solidly and take small steps at a time, I'll be able to do it. He indicated he's willing to work with me. I'm willing to be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day, after all. The audition where my high school choir teacher set me up to fail happened in a very, very, very hostile place full of people who wanted to see me crash and burn. They got what they wanted. I might have been trying out for a solo in a caldera full of volcanic fumes with the same results. The toxicity of my surroundings were the same. But here, now, I'm surrounded by people who are supporting my desire to succeed. My choir knows what happened to me and I know they'll be silently cheering me on. It makes a huge difference! A two bar solo is a baby step in the right direction for me. I won't be doing this just for myself. It's going to be for every bullied person out there who was frightened into hiding their talent. On Christmas eve, I will stand up to the fear that's been my bully for almost two decades, look it in the eyes and let it know it won't win. This fear is still a mountain to me. However, instead of walking away from it this time, I'm going to put my foot on the first craggy step at the bottom and start climbing. Courage is not an absence of fear. Courage is being afraid and doing something anyway. I'm going to have my camera with me on Christmas eve. I'll be sure to record that first step and share the results here. ;) I will rise above my pain. I will charge through my own fear. I will overcome this challenge. I will succeed. It never fails that technical issues resolve immediately after I say I might move. I'd even started rebuilding the whole site somewhere else, but I came back here to give it one more try and BAM, it worked! Hey, that's a good thing!
I'm still cautious. From now on, use this URL to access the AFBV website: http://tiny.cc/afbv It's a URL shortener that lets me edit the target website address. You won't have to edit your bookmarks if I do wind up moving. NOW! On to the videos. The first is a choir video was taken during a huge Christmas concert. I dedicate it to anyone being bullied right now. The second is a little antibullying message aimed at the younger kids with some Christmas fun mixed in. (Sorry about my rambling. Speech is not my strong suit, writing is!) Look under the little "read more" link on the right hand side of this entry to find them. (I have no idea why it goes all the way over there!) I apologize for the lack of updates here. I have to use another browser than my usual due to this website mysteriously creating error messages any time I want to update if I try through my usual browser. I may move to a new host because the "help" here has basically said they can't recreate the problem in order to fix it. Go figure. I have not abandoned this website, but the technical issues make updates extremely difficult. If I move, I'll make sure the new location is visible on the front page.
That said, I recently wrote a piece of Doctor Who fanfiction. Yes, I love that show in all its scifi hilarity and seriousness. This story carries a very heavy antibullying theme with a little surprise in it. :) TITLE: It Gets Better AUTHOR: Me FANDOM: Doctor Who SUMMARY: The 11th Doctor stops a bullied teen from committing suicide. GENRE: Adventure/Hurt-comfort RATING: T NOTES: This fic is a self insert because I'm not going to pretend it isn't, and it's a semi-autobiographical account of surviving bullying. The incidents I describe did actually happen to me(sans the Doctor, of course!). Names, occasional times of day and places are changed to preserve privacy, and for clarity's sake I gave made-up names to people whose names I forgot. I've long since forgiven the people who did these things, but it took me almost two decades to reach that point. This fic is dedicated to anyone who has been or is being bullied right now. I'm thirty three years old, and I almost committed suicide because of severe bullying back in the 1990's. "Bullycide" is not a new thing, but it is worse because of the internet. And if people are going to use the internet to hurt, then I'm going to use it to heal! I hope this story reaches out to anyone thinking of suicide or self harm. I've been there, and I want you to realize you're not alone. It gets better, so hold on. You're going to make it through this. I care about you because YOU MATTER! STORY LOCATIONS: Deviantart: http://fav.me/d6xvad4 (In two parts due to text limits, part two of it is linked at the bottom of part one.) AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082232 FF.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9924072/1/It-Gets-Better |
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My name is Cyndi, and I am a bullying survivor.
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