I cracked last night during a fight with my dad and spilled out the thing he said when I was a teen("What did YOU do to make them tease you?") that really hurt me. I told him about trying to take my own life during those years and about the girls who shoved my face in a toilet. He told me he didn't mean it like I took it and he felt like an ass. He thought I was trying to go out and physically fight the people or say smart aleck things back the way he himself did in high school. My dad got bullied too; as a teen he was tall, skinny and awkward.
I made him cry with what I said and I felt bad. We both cried.
After that, my dad said jokingly that he would have taken those girls and shoved their faces in a toilet. Then he would have taken the big jock guy that knocked me down in school, put him on the fifty yard line and tackled him like a linebacker. My dad loved to play football when he was younger. Not on any school teams, just the kind kids play in the street with friends. The point is he seemed to understand why I shied away from telling him some things in the past. He knows he overreacts sometimes.
I told my dad I think my suicide attempt in the 90's failed because God needed me here. I read him the Affirmations message, I told him how it made somebody put down their razor, and he cried. He said he was sorry for making me think I deserved all that. He told me I'm beautiful because I'm helping people through what I went through. He said he didn't know how brave I was until we went from screaming to talking.
I'm exhausted...but I feel like I did something important last night. I think something healed.
I made him cry with what I said and I felt bad. We both cried.
After that, my dad said jokingly that he would have taken those girls and shoved their faces in a toilet. Then he would have taken the big jock guy that knocked me down in school, put him on the fifty yard line and tackled him like a linebacker. My dad loved to play football when he was younger. Not on any school teams, just the kind kids play in the street with friends. The point is he seemed to understand why I shied away from telling him some things in the past. He knows he overreacts sometimes.
I told my dad I think my suicide attempt in the 90's failed because God needed me here. I read him the Affirmations message, I told him how it made somebody put down their razor, and he cried. He said he was sorry for making me think I deserved all that. He told me I'm beautiful because I'm helping people through what I went through. He said he didn't know how brave I was until we went from screaming to talking.
I'm exhausted...but I feel like I did something important last night. I think something healed.
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