I put my story on my Youtube channel. A ten-part series of what I went through. I only shared my worst, most traumatic experiences in brutal detail. You see and hear it as I talk and relive horrible things. It isn't all negativity and pain; I also shared how I healed and how I'm still a work in progress.
My hope is BULLYING: My Story of Survival inspires people who are being bullied to hang on. I also hope it shows anyone who is being a bully right now what kind of damage they're doing and how long-term it will last.
Maybe it will make one person realize what they're doing and stop bullying. Maybe it will save someone's life. Whichever, I want to use my strength to help anyone who needs it.
I am giving my light to the world so those who have none can glow, too.
Take my light. Take it and shine.
I'm posting this video to get this message out. I witnessed something so disgusting that I couldn't keep myself quiet. I prayed on the matter and then I made this video. Cyberbullying is not okay. BULLYING IN ANY FORM IS NEVER OKAY AND YOU SHOULD NOT BE OKAY WITH SEEING IT HAPPEN.
The screencaps in the video can be seen here: imgur.com/a/AqP5f
The music is from my cover of Demi Lovato's "Skyscraper".
I know what it's like to think everyone wants me to die and NOBODY deserves to feel like that. So if you're one of those people who sends things like that, grow the hell up or get off the internet.
I am so sorry that I haven't been around lately. I have a family member who is suffering with advanced Parkinson's and he can't really do anything for himself anymore. This is the first time I've been able to sit down and write a blog entry without being interrupted and losing my train of thought!
The Affirmations for Bullying Victims message will be two years old on October 17th, 2014.
In light of that, I made a special video of my choir. There's a surprise in it!
There was once a girl who went through Hell.
Until one day she realized her worth did not depend on the opinions of others.
For the first time in her life, she could look in the mirror and believe herself beautiful.
She found her inner flame.
Then she looked around at the surrounding darkness and shared her light with others.
This is a woman who now knows why God put her on this green Earth.
She carries a flame within her and lights any darkened candle she sees.
I answered my old suicide note. My sloppy handwriting hasn’t changed over the years, but I have.
In case it’s illegible to others, here’s what the notes say.
I hope I can read this from Heaven. That is where I might be.
I don’t matter here and nobody notices how bad I feel.
I tasted a toilet today.
I’m done. All’s I can do is die and get this done. Everybody is better off without me. I don’t deserve to live. I suck and I’m so ugly. I deserve nothing good.
I am sorry.
You’re still here. Look at yourself. You survived. You achieved some of your biggest dreams. You are using your pain to help others.
You do matter here. You’re making other people see their own worth. Your message made a girl put down her razor.
You’re still here. You made it.
It got better.
To bullying survivors out there: I challenge you to write an answer to your suicide notes. What would you say to your younger self now?
Many apologies for the lack of updates. My dad's health issues make it difficult to maintain all my social media. I spend much of my time on my tumblr blog, which is http://butterflyinthewell.tumblr.com.
What does it mean to be confident? I think I finally found the answer to holding up my own.
We all want to be perfect. We want to appear so perfect that nobody can find fault with us. So when that happens, when someone points out a flaw, a person will crash down even if everyone else is telling them they're beautiful. Because not everyone is telling them that. If one person says "ew" out of nine hundred who say "wow" then the perfection is shattered. People get defensive about their imperfections. People don't LIKE that illusion broken.
I have learned to accept my imperfections. I recognize I have flaws. Everyone has them. I'm still a fortress, but the walls have holes that let insults pass through and come out behind me without touching me because I know they're there. Instead of being angry, I just acknowledge that someone said something petty and move on, thinking, "yes, I'm aware of that. And?"
I wish I knew that in high school.
The emotions you see are real. I did not just act out these moments, I relived them as if I was there again. It's the hardest thing I've done since my Silent Night solo, but I don't regret it. If my darkest moment lets someone see they don't have to commit suicide, then everything I've done here is worth it.
I've taken my message to tumblr. I didn't want to say anything about it until I'd gotten the hang of it. I found a Chrome extension called Xkit that makes "tumblring" far easier. I have a specific string of tags for my antibullying/positivity stuff, but the most important tag is the AFBV tag. Track it if you want to get JUST my antibullying stuff(you have to have an account there!). I don't know if you can search just my blog for the AFBV tag without an account, thus all I can say is try it and see.
My tumblr blog is sort of an all-in-one. I post positive and antibullying stuff there, but I also post personal, choir and fandom related stuff. (This is due to the secondary blog feature not working; I got sick of waiting. ALSO, ETA: Xkit lets me keep tags automatically during reblogging.)
Some fandom posts MAY be a bit adult in nature, so I'll tag and warn that those posts are NSFW(Not Safe For Work). I won't reblog adult-rated pictures of any sort, but I might link to fanfiction-- my own or someone else's-- that contains adult material. Again, those will be labeled as NSFW.
My whole tumblr blog is http://butterflyinthewell.tumblr.com
I chose a butterfly theme because, like I say in the blog description, I see butterflies as a symbol of life and renewal. I'm hoping just the sight of them gives people a feeling of peace and hope.
I was a bit wary of tumblr at first. I've heard horror stories about people using the anon feature to harass and bully. I allow anon questions. You don't have to be registered to ask me something. I haven't gotten any hate yet, but if I do I'll feel greatly satisfied in deleting it. The "delete" icon is a little trash can. I'll be putting the trash where it belongs! :)
See you on tumblr!
Welcome to the AFBV blog!
My name is Cyndi, and I am a bullying survivor. The majority of my blog posts will be related to bullying, its effects, or ways to cope.
Notice: Comments are by approval only to cut down on automated spam.
| The reason |
| My bullying experiences |
| Banners |
| AFBV social media |
| AFVB Blog |
| Other online resources |
| Send me a holler! |
| For haters |